well.. i've spent most of the day sitting here searching the internet for pro ana stuff. i haven't done this in years. i have cable now. the wireless connection is cracking up and i often have to reset the computer. but all day and yesterday

i'm at a point where i have to halt my drug use. i've been kicked out of home. then moved back home lest i upset my uncle. my parents were just going to have me back but mentioned the caravan. i mentioned it this morning and mum was like, are you sure? but i have to.

i'm thinking of doing a 4 week CBT course for drug use. i did it once before. but maybe this time. also, there is no way i am stopping smoking pot until i get into a psych ward. because i always go spastic with bipolar panic.

maybe try and cut down. i'm going to stop drinking alcohol. thats step no 1. i think i can do that. i'm going to have to stop seeing some friends like i used to. there is no way i could say no to a needle now. i just have to avoid it. but i love those people. but i have to learn to like being with me. i hate to be on my own with my thoughts sometimes. i need distractions. most of my life is about distractions.

my parents aren't reallly focused on my ed. the big issue is the drug use. but i plan to move from one to the other. i want that i'm thin and i work for it feel again. i've told a few people. which probably means i won't lose weight. maybe. but i am changing my diet. basically, milk based meal replacements, banana + protein powder milkshakes, bananas. and um.. yeah. i'm thinking thats mostly it. oh, and vege juice w/ wheat grass powder and psyciullium husks.

oh. and any milo based food too.

thats it. milk, milo, bananas.

i want to be without the drugs though, .. not that i've stopped them.

its too hard to change these habits on my own. i need some sort of kick in the guts. 4 weeks IP with a CBT course for drugs and alcohol. then i was thinking of some sort of drug livein support place. but my friend suggested DBT. which i think would have to be helpful. help my borderlline side. i always fuck up because i self sabotage. i don't know why. really. i just like to fuck things up. things going well? not for long.

but DBT woulld keep me in my place.

ai. have to grow up sometime

why am i here?  well, i was searching for skinny pictures and up came a livejournal community. so i joined.  but now that i have an account i might try and keep a blog going as well.  my big issues in life at the moment are that i've just been kicked out of home, but am still living there because i went to my uncles.  my doctor just gave me a medical cert for social security which had 2 conditions on it.  the bipolar affective - permanent - likely to deteriorate within 2 years and polysubstance dependance disorder - permanent - likely to deteriorate within 2 years .

very depressing.  might keep account of it in here.

Rosie